From a supposed good friend, I find this insulting on a few levels. My initial thought is as a nutjob loser who isn’t working, studying, and is largely found at home, I don’t have a life? Or I’m expected to be super-flexible because I don’t have things to do? Are the things I do at home insignificant?
This sort of incident is the type of thing that drags my mood down when I’m very unwell. It’s neither parties’ fault, but my brain manages to convince me that people do this to me all the time because I’m not worth seeing. A few days later after sleeping as much as possible, and thoughts of ending your life begin to surface. I don’t state this for sympathy, but just describing how it is when ‘unwell’. Thankfully, at present as I type this, there is no hint of this. For the time being, I’m safe, and well.
I hated myself for it, but I was disappointed when I realised F had screwed me round yet again, for two reasons:
i. All week, I’d desperately worked on regulating my sleeping pattern so that it would be no problem to wake up early the following morning after the evening in which F came over and I could give F a lift to the train station to attend art college.
Of course, I did this for me, but maintaining it when spending one’s days at home is extremely difficult. F is usually aware of how difficult it can be for me to establish a regular sleeping pattern, and that the difficulties are usually out of my control (e.g. nightmares or night terrors - more extreme side effects of my anti-depressants).
I’d felt my effort was wasted, and not at all appreciated. But despite this, I don’t hate F’s guts. Yet.
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I normally find it difficult to leave comments on your work G, for a number of reasons, but I think primarily because I feel intellectually intimidated by you.
There’s something that I just have to talk about here though:
All this stuff says about you is that you are completely normal. Everyone has their own particular escapes from feeling down. Mine’s exercise. Yours is buying girly stuff.
As for interaction with people making you feel better, well, you have that in common with every other human being on the planet. Being put in solitary confinement is the worst possible punishment in this country for a reason. I recently went to a speech by Gregory David Roberts, the author of Shantaram. He talked a fair bit about his experiences in various prisons around the world, but one particular comment stuck in my mind. He said that humans are fundamentally social animals. If you take away that opportunity for socialisation, we will die. That is how powerful a need it is. His experiences in solitary confinement were harrowing, but they have given him very powerful insight into human nature.
There was an article I read recently about the nascent field of research into human happiness… here it is:
So what do you have to do to find happiness?
The article covers a lot of ground, but one finding that seems to be consistent is that those who spend the most time socialising report the highest levels of happiness. Since reading this, I’ve been consciously trying to modify my behaviour. You see, I’m naturally reclusive. I spent a large amount of my adolescence in a very depressive state of mind. The funny thing was that I kind of enjoyed it too, it was almost an indulgence to lie awake late at night and think about all the ways that my life sucked.
I eventually worked out that that isn’t a particularly constructive way to enjoy life, but I still have the same fundamentally reclusive nature. I’m trying to understand how to manage it (it’s a life’s work in a way), and one of the ways is to make sure that I see lots of people. It’s hard to start with. It feels strange. But eventually, it becomes something you can’t live without.
Now if only I could work out how to be happy in a relationship. I feel like a beginner right now…
Hi Rob, thanks for leaving my first comment! Why on earth you would feel intellectually intimidated by me is beyond me, especially as you kick my arse in the brain department.
My ‘objective’ (as much as is possible) self understands that humans, or even mammals, in general are social beings. It starts from day 1 - we grow inside our mothers, and then when we’re born, we suckle from them. It’s actually a beautiful way to begin one’s existence into the world, or at least to me.
Unfortunately, the less objective part of me has more trouble admitting that it’s perfectly natural to seek fellow human contact or company.
Like you, I’m naturally reclusive; that might seem hard to believe. When I am not sick, being alone and happy are very easy, it’s not hard to keep myself amused. I plan to be one of those sad, smelly, crazy old ‘cat’ women later on in life!
But when sick, the simple notion of a friend double-booking themselves and cancelling on you can be…fodder for all sorts of self-destructive thoughts. It isn’t anyone’s fault; that’s just how things happen.
Ideally, socialising for me makes me most happy when I know that the person I want to see or catch up with will make exactly the same amount of effort to see me, as I would them. At present, the people I do consider my good friends are exactly such individuals.
Filling one’s social calendar with engagements doesn’t necessarily guarantee happiness. A few very good ones will do me though! But lots of ‘ok’ ones…it’d make me feel empty, or sometimes bring my mood down even further.
By the way, the article you referred to is very good; haven’t finished it yet (read half) but it’s fascinating stuff. I do agree that it is extremely ‘untrendy’ to be seen as anything but tortured, neurotic, confused. True happiness or contentment actually frightens a lot of us. Or are embarrassed by it. Myself personally? This year I’ve managed to have some non-depressed months this year, and I love it. Definitely NOT overrated.
As for relationships…groan, one of those ‘gentle ironies of life’, I like to call them. When you’re happiest or most stable within yourself, that is when you’re more likely to cultivate a good, strong relationship. In general (and I do not think of you as being related to this next group of people at all), many seem to think that finding someone to be with will ‘fix’ them. Sadly, not so.
Perhaps that’s the caveat with socialisation making us happier; maintaining ongoing relationships with those whom we are social - is bloody hard work. Perhaps some people want pure socialisation, no relationships formed (platonic, filial or romantic) and others prefer less social contact as long as they know their relationships are solid?
You just can’t shut me up once I get going…but on that note…
If we have a divine maker, s/he has a bloody good sense of humour. I intend to give him/her a mouthful in the afterlife. Or the Yorkshire kiss if I’m tall enough.
And in further news regarding non-supportive artists…I sent out an e-mail to a few people that know about this online moan-blog, and happily report that the first person to put their address on my mailing list was a fellow writer.
I am still, however, waiting for ‘F’ to put his/her address, which F did assure me would happen. You suck! Well, not really, but it’s really frustrating when the people that supposedly care about you the most are actually the least interested.
This is mainly directed towards Rob, seeing as he posted the link to that article on happiness, well, the BBC has made a documentary on happiness, and I came across an article on this:
http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/05/13/114739.php
Incidentally, it will make me \’happy\’ once I put my first post up on this site…stay tuned for further news.
Oh, and support this artist, heh heh.
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