F did eventually call me today (while I was typing this up) to apologise. And me: what can I say, I’m a leech, of course I forgave F. But this sort of thing happens fairly often and I wonder for how long I can endure it. Will I ever reach the point when I crack and say “No more!!!”? Is it acceptable to do so? I consider it an abuse of our friendship, perhaps I’m just a lame-arse.
I should point out that F is extremely talented. Perhaps if I were equally gifted, I might possess an attitude not unlike F? It makes sense to focus on your own work if you want to get somewhere. It’s a little disheartening when your fellow artist friends are always asking you to read/listen to/look at their work and when you timidly ask them to do the same, they say they will, but very quickly manage to worm their way out of it.
Such lack of interest from my own artist friends makes me feel worthless, especially when I’m sick. I just don’t like being pushy (as pushy as they are, that is), or perhaps I use this as an excuse to view myself as being below-standard? I think of all the times my friend ‘D’ has made me listen to cheesy glam rock or metal and I summon my critical listening forces when all I want to say is “Why won’t you read my bloody work when I listen to your crap?!”.
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I normally find it difficult to leave comments on your work G, for a number of reasons, but I think primarily because I feel intellectually intimidated by you.
There’s something that I just have to talk about here though:
All this stuff says about you is that you are completely normal. Everyone has their own particular escapes from feeling down. Mine’s exercise. Yours is buying girly stuff.
As for interaction with people making you feel better, well, you have that in common with every other human being on the planet. Being put in solitary confinement is the worst possible punishment in this country for a reason. I recently went to a speech by Gregory David Roberts, the author of Shantaram. He talked a fair bit about his experiences in various prisons around the world, but one particular comment stuck in my mind. He said that humans are fundamentally social animals. If you take away that opportunity for socialisation, we will die. That is how powerful a need it is. His experiences in solitary confinement were harrowing, but they have given him very powerful insight into human nature.
There was an article I read recently about the nascent field of research into human happiness… here it is:
So what do you have to do to find happiness?
The article covers a lot of ground, but one finding that seems to be consistent is that those who spend the most time socialising report the highest levels of happiness. Since reading this, I’ve been consciously trying to modify my behaviour. You see, I’m naturally reclusive. I spent a large amount of my adolescence in a very depressive state of mind. The funny thing was that I kind of enjoyed it too, it was almost an indulgence to lie awake late at night and think about all the ways that my life sucked.
I eventually worked out that that isn’t a particularly constructive way to enjoy life, but I still have the same fundamentally reclusive nature. I’m trying to understand how to manage it (it’s a life’s work in a way), and one of the ways is to make sure that I see lots of people. It’s hard to start with. It feels strange. But eventually, it becomes something you can’t live without.
Now if only I could work out how to be happy in a relationship. I feel like a beginner right now…
Hi Rob, thanks for leaving my first comment! Why on earth you would feel intellectually intimidated by me is beyond me, especially as you kick my arse in the brain department.
My ‘objective’ (as much as is possible) self understands that humans, or even mammals, in general are social beings. It starts from day 1 - we grow inside our mothers, and then when we’re born, we suckle from them. It’s actually a beautiful way to begin one’s existence into the world, or at least to me.
Unfortunately, the less objective part of me has more trouble admitting that it’s perfectly natural to seek fellow human contact or company.
Like you, I’m naturally reclusive; that might seem hard to believe. When I am not sick, being alone and happy are very easy, it’s not hard to keep myself amused. I plan to be one of those sad, smelly, crazy old ‘cat’ women later on in life!
But when sick, the simple notion of a friend double-booking themselves and cancelling on you can be…fodder for all sorts of self-destructive thoughts. It isn’t anyone’s fault; that’s just how things happen.
Ideally, socialising for me makes me most happy when I know that the person I want to see or catch up with will make exactly the same amount of effort to see me, as I would them. At present, the people I do consider my good friends are exactly such individuals.
Filling one’s social calendar with engagements doesn’t necessarily guarantee happiness. A few very good ones will do me though! But lots of ‘ok’ ones…it’d make me feel empty, or sometimes bring my mood down even further.
By the way, the article you referred to is very good; haven’t finished it yet (read half) but it’s fascinating stuff. I do agree that it is extremely ‘untrendy’ to be seen as anything but tortured, neurotic, confused. True happiness or contentment actually frightens a lot of us. Or are embarrassed by it. Myself personally? This year I’ve managed to have some non-depressed months this year, and I love it. Definitely NOT overrated.
As for relationships…groan, one of those ‘gentle ironies of life’, I like to call them. When you’re happiest or most stable within yourself, that is when you’re more likely to cultivate a good, strong relationship. In general (and I do not think of you as being related to this next group of people at all), many seem to think that finding someone to be with will ‘fix’ them. Sadly, not so.
Perhaps that’s the caveat with socialisation making us happier; maintaining ongoing relationships with those whom we are social - is bloody hard work. Perhaps some people want pure socialisation, no relationships formed (platonic, filial or romantic) and others prefer less social contact as long as they know their relationships are solid?
You just can’t shut me up once I get going…but on that note…
If we have a divine maker, s/he has a bloody good sense of humour. I intend to give him/her a mouthful in the afterlife. Or the Yorkshire kiss if I’m tall enough.
And in further news regarding non-supportive artists…I sent out an e-mail to a few people that know about this online moan-blog, and happily report that the first person to put their address on my mailing list was a fellow writer.
I am still, however, waiting for ‘F’ to put his/her address, which F did assure me would happen. You suck! Well, not really, but it’s really frustrating when the people that supposedly care about you the most are actually the least interested.
This is mainly directed towards Rob, seeing as he posted the link to that article on happiness, well, the BBC has made a documentary on happiness, and I came across an article on this:
http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/05/13/114739.php
Incidentally, it will make me \’happy\’ once I put my first post up on this site…stay tuned for further news.
Oh, and support this artist, heh heh.
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