It had been a trying day.
First of all, I can’t seem to wake up fully any earlier than about 4pm everyday. More mood stabilisers means more sleep. Better than self-harm, I guess. I missed 2 medical appointments and accidentally stood up a friend in the city. The day before, I had to cancel on another friend that I haven’t been able to see for near half a year. Great. At this rate, it’s a miracle I have any bloody friends at all.
Plus, everything is a mess: I can’t even sleep in my room because it’s so cluttered, showering regularly has become a task of Herculean proportions (this is very embarrassing to admit). Despite this, yesterday I forced myself to get out and do the three small tasks that absolutely could wait no longer. The first being making a deposit at the bank, but that was closed, dammit no Magic decks for me. But I managed to post out a package abroad and fax my welfare/social security form (what’s so fecking ’social’ about it?! Much like Yeats’ asking what is so ‘civil’ about ‘civil war’, I suppose).
As a result of the oversleeping, lack of contact with humans face-to-face, I spend an appallingly pathetic amount of time on the internet, usually in the quiet hours of the night. But currently, even that seems not without its problems: my admin/possible ex-friend (for which I would entirely take blame) apologised for taking so long to fix my technical issues on this very unimportant blog, explaining that it was due to some problems with his significant other.
Being the classy person that I am (hmph, not), I wrote back angrily stating that I resented that he’d virtually dumped me by the wayside for a relationship, and that people only ever seem to realise just how neglectful they can be of ‘friends’ when relationships end. And they wonder why the hell things are so awkward when they attempt to rekindle the friendship - which are relationships too!
2 Comments
Ah, love, it’s been a rough time of late! I’m sure your friends understand that shite just happens sometimes. You sound like you’re doing your best to get through it.
I think I know what you mean about perceived or real judgement on appearance. Apparently, I look a lot younger than I am, and I’m pretty sure some people treat me differently because of this. That is, until they get to know me. Sometimes I’ll think about a particular circumstance and wonder if that was why they treated me the way they did. But most of the time, I don’t worry about it at all.
And speaking of unbrushed hair and pallid faces… That was me this morning, in addition to wearing trackpants and a top that looked like night attire, with ballet-type slippers, I went down to put washing in the machine only to find a very neatly attired young woman in there folding her washing. I felt she was looking at me thinking I looked like I just got out of bed…which was pretty much the truth. I tried not to worry about it, I mean, it isn’t like I put makeup on to put the laundry on! We all have our days though, and you can’t help thinking, at that moment, why didn’t I at least, just brush my hair before I walked out the door? Here I was assuming what she was thinking about me, but I’m pretty sure that she didn’t give two hoots.
PS: By the way, I liked your fuchsia lips!
Hi VK, thanks for the appreciation of fuchsia lips! It’s probably one of the coolest colours I can get away with wearing.
I guess I’d been having a lot of trouble getting out of the house and on that particular day, I was determined regardless of how awful I looked, that I was going to make it out dammit! I had so much stuff to do that I dare not leave to anyone else.
It’s sort of sad, but judgement seems generally to be the resort of those who are less educated or incredibly insecure. At least, I plan to provide some incriminating evidence illustrating this in my next entry.
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