There is nothing stronger than a person who has nothing.
Till yesterday, I had at least one friend that put up with my bullshit, and I swear I don’t mean to have bullshit but it’s so hard when the mood has dropped. But it’s not like I don’t give warnings.
Yesterday, the Nerd of My Dreams came over, and was either lonely enough or feeling some sort weird compulsion to be ‘generous’ or something. Remember, this is the guy who dumped me because he prefers working (or humping?) his I-never-want-to-hear-about-it-again art.
Now, if I’m feeling low, I generally tend to avoid people. That might even include family, and I live with them. NMD usually comes over once a week and we play MtG, and he pretends he likes me, and I pretend I enjoy pandering to his needs :”I need to eat. I need a drink. I need to go.” etc. The truth is, I’m grateful for the company. One of my so-called friends has completely forgotten that s/he promised to take me out, another two won’t bother to reply to my e-mails. One only gets in touch with me when not working, which is rarely. I don’t blame them for forgetting, but every now and then, it does bother me a little.
The first offence commenced with little incident, and I was willing to write that one off. The second made me decide to switch off my mobile phone and ditch the trying to get along with people I know gimmick.
NMD reads my writing, but it takes a great deal of effort to actually get him to do so (begging). Whilst playing the game of some excitement, it had come up in conversation that he doesn’t bother to read these miniblog entries, even though quite a few people do, some of whom I don’t even know. To which he replied “I read your entries when I get that e-mail notification of yours.”
Well, how grand. Never mind the fact that I had to remind you to even activate your registration, arsehole.
It got better. I went off into my room to lie and curl up into a ball. I like to do that when I’m upset. He asked me if he’d pissed me off, I said no, he’d hurt my feelings.
Like my mother, who for what reason I’m not entirely sure quite dislikes me, he apologised not knowing what for. This was pointed out. So I was asked to explain but refused. Perhaps I was caught off guard, but it’s been a very long time since NMD has upset me.
The thing that most upset me though wasn’t that whole situation, but that he was angry at me, because he needed a lift to the train station, in his words: the later he stayed at my place, the worse it made his following day.
On a scale of upset, I’d say I was medium-upset: it’s not been an easy month. But I didn’t understand why he had so little compassion for me. Even my cat, who usually likes me, was annoyed by my presence.
I did my duty and dropped Mr Meanie off at the station, then drove home, alone for 20 minutes. I cried myself to sleep, just like in the Sufjan Stevens song, and my cat decided he liked me again, and my mother woke me up in the middle of the night to leave for overseas.
The mean-hearted nerd made my day worse. I tried to be meaner and told him I hoped his days were worse. I hate people, they’re mean to you, and they make you be mean back. They’re only nice to you when you can do something for them, and if you’re lucky, you might meet a few people who are willing to fix the wrongs they’ve done you.
I keep telling myself things have been worse.
Funnily enough, I got an invitation to a party today. Better start planning my rock-star costume, fingers crossed that the idiot pot smoking guy isn’t going to be there, though he’ll most likely be invited. But that’s ages away, I should focus on getting through the rest of this miserable week. If my bloody lipgloss would arrive, it’d be an awful lot easier…hurry up damn you!
