It’s probably wrong to wish that arseholes and bitches will one day fall flat on their faces, but I’m a base creature and I have to say, I’m kind of waiting for it to happen to a bunch of people. Is that wrong?
I try not to think about it too much, but lately for the first time in a good long while, I find myself thinking about my Japanese friend who died of cancer a few years back.
Perhaps it has something to do with seeing the 27-year-old Brazilian man who was shot a year ago in a Tube carriage in inner London. I shouldn’t be watching the news, but my parents just came into the sunroom and decided to forget my ‘no news’ rule. Well, at least my father doesn’t yell at me for having nightmares I can’t control.
I miss my Japanese friend. He was the sort of person that could make you piss yourself with laughter because he was a gifted storyteller. It seems unfair that he passed away so young (I know NMD would give me a lecture on saying that: well, I’ll start listening to your lectures when you visit the Wizard of Oz and ask him to give you a heart). Is it bad that I wished we could swap places?
I wish I could find the haiku I wrote at work on our lunch break when Nobuo was still alive. God, he used to smoke a lot. It’s almost ironic that he didn’t die of lung cancer. I’ve rummaged through countless shoeboxes and notebooks and still can’t find those stupid pieces of paper. Please let them turn up eventually.
But love is about letting go, so they say. Kind of sick of the concept of late, to be honest. It might have something to do with the fact that of late appalling examples claiming to illustrate love threaten to suffocate me. I love you so I can treat you like shit. I love you and so I let you out when you want to go. I love you so I yell at you when you make me angry. I love myself so I stay away from you and stop injuring myself. I don’t love you because it gives me licence to pretend you don’t exist unless I need something from you. It’s just a feeling, thanks to some electrical impulses and chemicals in the brain.
I wish I could go back to a time when I didn’t know that was the case, but that would be stupid, wouldn’t it?
