Grace Notes @ Snarkattack

For as long as I can remember, I’ve never had lots of close friends. It probably had a lot to do with not fitting in very well when I first arrived here - even my teacher in fourth grade picked on me (she was a witch).

So I consider my position at present a fairly fortunate one. I have one friend who I can fully trust (probably due to the fact that his memory is pretty appalling more than anything else!) and two or three other friends who I can tell almost everything to but not without effort. I’m not exactly in a position to pick and choose persons willy-nilly.

At the moment, I have a slight problem. Someone who I was fairly good friends with recently decided to get in touch with me and even though I know I should be grateful, I’m not. In fact, I’m actually pretty resentful. Nasty, eh? I did discuss this with a close female friend of mine, who was nice enough to tell me I wasn’t a complete cow. So why am I not convinced?

If you look back on my main blog, it’s pretty obvious: at the beginning of the year, things were…bad. Yes, things had been bad before, and crying all the time is pretty tame when it comes to depression. Of course it’s horrible - can you imagine waking up everyday feeling like you’ve lost the most important person in your life? That’s how awful the sadness is, except you haven’t lost anyone.

This time wasn’t like that. I was destructive, to the point where I had to be ‘watched’ overnight a few times. If there was ever a time when I needed people, it was then, and they were there. Except one friend, who for months would make plans with me, then cancel, then reschedule, and because I didn’t work apparently I was supposed to put up with this. I still feel like I’m overreacting, but it hurt. Especially when this person decided that because their life had suddenly took a turn for the worse (recently) they had a lot more time to try and ‘chase’ me.

The old me would be totally “Yeah, okay, let’s catch up!” but the current me (which is as close as I’ve got to my true self in the past seven years) is…wary? Is that wrong of me? I feel like I owe this person the truth but how on earth are you supposed to tell someone that they’ve stuffed up, and that there isn’t really any need to ‘fix’ it as such? That the time to ‘fix’ it has passed?

This is probably not painting me in the best light, but this person has often (not sure if it’s intentional) made me pretty uncomfortable in social situations, hence my reluctance to have this person back in my life. I suspect it’s partially intentional…perhaps I should just do what will make me stay happy. If I were to do what I think is the right thing to do, the only person who’ll be miserable is me, and I’m so sick of that! I need healthier role models - or a big sister dammit.

In the meantime, if anyone has any advice I’d be willing to hear it.