Not half an hour ago, my mother came home with some shopping. She beckoned me into the kitchen after my stint on the treadmill, and showed me a beautiful gold pendant, with a guardian angel.
She then said to me that this was a present from me to my newborn nephew Leon. She said she would buy me a card and then asked me if she would like me to give it to him tonight, or when I next saw him. I faltered and said decided it was probably time to speak my mind.
I very, very gently explained that I wasn’t fully well yet (just a flare-up of my chronic illness – nothing major, but draining nevertheless), and that when I could, I would indeed organise to visit Leon and parents. I said that my brother would know that the present she bought for me to give to Leon would be recognised as something that I would never pick out because:
- I very rarely shop for jewellery made of anything precious
- I would never choose anything with a religious symbol – my brother was very well aware of my atheism (something my mother chooses over and over to ignore)
I said that I had spoken to a good friend @lluke and explained that I’m not close to my brother, and even less so to his wife. After Luke’s excellent advice and upon hearing that the mother was really struggling with her new role in motherhood, I felt it best to wait a month or so before visiting again (as it happens, I did get semi-bullied into visiting when the new parents were in post-natal care at the Grand Hyatt in the city centre (!!!)).
My brother’s in-laws are very flamboyant, and not particularly welcoming. They are also quite xenophobic and have taken the view that they have welcomed my brown brother into their family as some sort of act of superlative charity. At the end of the day, I am extremely happy that they do accept my brother and do not make his life hell. In fact, they rather like him.
They like me less so, which is fine by me until I am in the same room. My brother’s wife is extremely close to her parents and though my mother cannot admit it, she is struggling for a place in their new family. She struggles to do things to show that she is, essentially, just as good as them. I told her she doesn’t need to be so performative, but she insists she is not. My partner and my father have both noted at some stage that there are elements of her behaviour that betray her in this respect.
So, what to do? How am I to display in a manner that is both true to myself and takes into consideration what the new family want? I have bore my mother’s insinuations as best I can that I need to visit Leon NOW NOW NOW. After the somewhat explosive ‘chat’ in the kitchen, I think she will give me a bit more leeway, but not for long.
A sad world where one constantly needs to demonstrate one’s love materially. If I could be left alone with Leon, I would just hold him, and stroke him every now and then, and tell him I hope the world won’t be too rough with him. He would have no right to believe me – I who spend so much time in the realm of the unwell. Why can’t we love on our terms, and ours alone? Who is my mother to tell me how I should demonstrate my love to my nephew? Of course at this stage, my father piped in and then went on to tell me that I was sorely lacking in comparison to my partner.
All this over one gold charm meant for my nephew.
techydude | 23-Feb-10 at 12:38 am | Permalink
‘evening Ms Snark,
on re-reading, your first sentence caught my eye: “and showed me a ***beautiful*** gold pendant, with a guardian angel.”
beautiful, your word, my emphasis
so, it’s a beautiful gift, that would probably resonate well with your new nephew’s family? and if the almost inevitable handing down of family values happens to your nephew, he’ll probably value it similarly? (assuming he doesn’t eat or lose it before he’s 5
i’m totally with you on your desire to give a gift that is “true to yourself”, tho i can imagine your mum took the initiative to spare you the significant financial outlay, but which inherently betrays your ideal, & probably with no ill _intent_ on her part?
i guess i’d ask myself the question “how much will this matter to anyone else (but yourself) in a month/year from now?” if you were to capitulate? probably not much if at all.
alternatively, if you stick to your guns, you could take a hard line & have nothing to do with it & create grief for yourself and your mother that probably won’t achieve anything. old people can be remarkably thick when it comes to allowing their children to be their own person, a process that can take many years
.
or perhaps you could tell your mum that *you* won’t give that as a gift from *yourself*, but perhaps as a compromise, she should give it herself, or on behalf of her, your father, and you?
this is a new-born, who’s not going to appreciate the meaning behind neither this nor any alternative gift at least for a very long time. time enough for many more opportunities to influence your nephew, and your mother
.
but um, wtf is your father on about?
*hugz*
Grace Notes @ Snarkattack | 25-Feb-10 at 7:58 pm | Permalink
Hullo A, thanks so much for your comment. You’ve echoed a lot of what Ryan has said.
I think Mum will still give the pendant to Leon, but what I’m thinking of is I’ll get a poem I’ve written just for him professionally written up in calligraphy, and then frame it. A close friend of my brother has got him some AFL signed jerseys which my bro is stoked over, because it’s from the players after who my nephew is named.
As for my father…he’s of late given in to telling me that I basically don’t do enough for T or that I’m too lazy or something. I’m not sure why he thinks that, but I can only hope that if T has those concerns, I’m genuinely willing to work on them.
Thanks again hon x